Schadenfreude: Cruel pleasure in my pain

I was trying to think of the word when I wrote my previous post on my so called godmothers delight in belittling me. This is the word.

Here's an article that tries to describe it in more detail, but doesn't quite describe what happened to me. So I'm not quite sure if it can be called Schadenfreude or maybe a combination of belittlement, condescension and Schadenfreude. Basically bullying.

The worst thing about it was it came from nowhere. I only spoke a few words to this godmother on a few occasions before, no real conversation.

I answered the phone today, and she was on the other end again wanting to talk to my dad. She always gets me and my mum mixed up (apparently we have the same voice?). Once she realised it was me, her tone completely changed from jovial to cold in a second. No conversation.

I gave her the cold shoulder last time she came and didn't eat dinner with them. I was replaced at the dinner table by my half cousin (from my uncles affair - he has 9 children). She randomly turned up that night having realised how shit our family is (especially the men). Lots of empathy and home truths.

  

Playing hard to get in London means...

Not sleeping with someone on the first date.  Not sleeping with someone the first time you meet them.

I've not had a proper conversation with a man for years. This happens with friends friends, not just first time meets. They have no interest in me whatsoever, nothing beyond trying to impress me with their nonsense, their practised set pieces.

I was never like this before

I've never been so self conscious as I am now. Not when I was a 14 or 24. This has gradually been getting worst as I get older, I'm now 35. My sense of worth is close to nothing, and it always comes down to comparing myself with others or some comment by someone.

A friend of the family years ago (and an ex of my dads), has reappeared after 30 years. From what I know she was a bit of a hippie (I use that description loosely), never had kids and liked men. She's also supposed to be my godmother. Apparently she studied architecture, but has somehow ended up teaching immigrants.

Earlier this year she came round with another old girl friend for lunch. I was taken back by their greediness and lack of self-awareness. The topic turned to me and what I doing. After being on the most pointless degree, I didn't know what I wanted to do, I was helping with the family business which was suffering. They really didn't want to know what exactly I did on this degree. I told them I did some lighting, so she suggested working for a lighting company or be an electrician. Apparently, because I was working with my family, I wasn't trying hard enough and I didn't make the effort to get out of that and into some job. My family business is pretty interesting work, and I'm often the one who has the know-how to certain things, it's no ordinary job.

She then went on to talk about someone elses daughter who worked at some high fashion store (Burberry?), and she made hats or something. Apparently I should have wanted to work there too, and this was some sort of attempt at an opportunity. Why? I gave no impression of wanting to work in fashion. I was not fashionably dressed, but apparently I should be because all 'young' people must be. The whole thing was bizarre and made no sense to me. Was she expecting me to be like this other person? And why? Why should I compare my life with someone elses? Not only that, but to compare in the most shallow way? I don't get it.

All this was said in the most cold and un-compassionate way, as if I was just being lazy. I felt terrible. Then she admitted to not having a job until in her 50's, so what did she know. The other fat girl friend never worked. All the while they are stuffing themselves with a whole peking duck we had bought, while I, my mum and dad watched.

I don't think I have ever been so quickly and harshly judged, literally a few minutes. The assumptions insinuated in the very little I told them was unbelievable. As if they had heard bad things about me, and were there to simply tear into me. It gave them pleasure to demean me.

Fact is, everyone on that degree felt demoralised afterwards. We talk about how blind we were to the incompetence of our tutors and looking back it is all so clear now. Hindsight. I felt if I tried to defend myself and the degree I did, it wouldn't make any difference, it would all be seen as excuses. They talked so flippantly about everything I told them, I didn't bother engaging in further conversation. It was pointless.

She rang a day ago to arrange dinner, and she did it again. The same condescending tone, the same knife to jab me with. I know my family situation is not ideal, but to make assumptions about nothing she knows, and even worst, something she doesn't care to know about. It's such a bad reflection on her. The short conversation was very awkward, I didn't expect the fucking Spanish inquisition.

So what are doing? Do you actually want to stay in the business? Hope you don't feel I'm lecturing you.

She doesn't do this to my brother, because he has an iphone and is a social butterfly. He is also incredibly lazy, selfish, and has done practically nothing for the business (I'm not exaggerating to score points). It has always been me and mum running everything. But no, she doesn't see this, all she sees is a trendy, with-it sociable guy who she used to baby sit. It seems to be all about surface with her, all shallowness.