COVID19: Cutting off my 'friends'

I've decided to cut off two friends. During the lockdown, I heard nothing from them. I waited for something, anything, but...nothing. This is the usual from them, I always seem to be the one who has to initiate. Can you call anyone a friend if they do the same in the times we're living in now?

A cute little mouse got stuck on my window ledge onto my garden, so I filmed it, sent it on Whatsapp to my friends group. One replied of course, the more out going one. The other, although I could see she had seen it, said nothing. So I thought maybe something bad happened, maybe a family member got the virus, maybe she lost her job or something. So I texted her a few days later to make sure, but she was fine and everything was doing ok. After making sure she was alright and nothing bad had happened:

Did you see my new pet?

Yeah cute

And that was it. Both were short, meaningless exchanges, no questions about how I was doing, nothing about how weird everything was. We had already, in the past year, become quite distant. The first friend I think was going through a breakup and was re-evaluating her life. So I gave her space. She went off travelling, every week it seemed, to some place in Europe or beyond. We never really had anything much in common except enjoying the occasional hangout. Even those seem forgettable. The second friend, I can't make any sense of.

So I'm cutting both of you out of my life. I'm not going to reply to anything any more. They probably won't even notice. That's the sad thing about it. They won't miss me.

Wishing you weren't here

I haven't written anything for 4 years. I've had plenty of times when I had something, but I was so consumed by it, the energy to write was sucked away. Actually the energy to do anything disappeared. That's what the D loop does to you. It wasn't just the internal loop, the external stresses of life and people sucked everything out of me.

I'm now certain this is depression and anxiety. No question.

You'd think it was the depression that was the thing but it's not. It's the anxiety attacks threatening me everyday that pull me back into the hole. And it's a sucking black hole that feeds off me. I've managed to pre-empt it sometimes, manage it, but there are things you can't control. People.

Don't bother, there's nothing for you here

I put on Ella Mai's Trip, trying to take my mind off the misery and chaos that is my life. As I listened, her voice faded away into nothing, all I could hear was the piano rift, repeating over and over again. A flat, dull, repeating, mindless without end.

Everywhere I've turned for help I've been ignored, turned away, even by those who said they would help. It seems the universe is telling me something: Don't bother. There's nothing for you here.

But I have to go on bothering, because it's not just me I'm doing it for.

The sad thing about it is, I have no one to say this to. Only an empty space that no one knows exists. A place I exist, but no one has bothered to know.

No Memory of a Life, Fantasy about a Death

I feel old without a memory of a life.  No trace of people, of relationships, no meaningful human connection. How did this happen I ask myself.

I've been having these fantasies recently about thing's I'd do without care of my own life. One of them is saving people from some terrorist attack. Being in London, the possibility isn't so far off. It actually sounds like quite an attractive prospect. Not for the glory or praise, just to be of some use to someone. At least something I could give. Does this sound morbid? I have nothing and no one to my name, at least I could give someone a chance to live the life I never did.

Another one isn't much of anything, but if you knew me it would be a bit of a shocker. Smoking. Yeah, I know I could just take it up, but it disgusts me too much. Maybe it's the idea of doing something unexpected that's attractive. A kind of rebellion against myself.

There it is.

I've had enough of myself.