Oddball

Seriously, I really can't figure myself out. I confuse myself. I know what I like, what I hate, I have my own opinions, tastes, but there is no one thing that can define me. Probably because it's always difficult to describe yourself for anyone.

I know I'm laid back, quite reserved, people say I'm intelligent, I don't like small talk, I have an evil sense of humour...I sometimes wish I were born a male. It's seems everything that I am are exceptable traits in a man not a female. I'm not really a tom boy, I don't have short hair or dress in baggy clothes. Maybe I should put on this persona, this tomboyish look, it might make my strange personality more exceptable. People are seriously thrown by me. I remember one interview I had for art school which the interviewer described me as "beguiling", because he really liked the statement I'd written but couldn't seem to connect it with me.

I'm much more expressive, more open and honest when I write than when speaking. Oh, and another thing is my voice. It's not a nice sweet 'feminine' pitch, it sounds like I've got a cold, low and coarse at times which is why I don't get much out of it. I'm a true odd ball.

Stepping up the shallow game

Went to a talk about modern lighting design for my work. I hadn't realised how formal these talks were (but it is Design Week London I suppose). Everyone was wearing suits and were really well turned out, professional designery looking types. A bit intimidating, but what they were discussing and the way they talked was pretty down to earth. That said, I'm feeling like I need to step up the game much more, take some time over my appearance because as shallow as it may seem, in this business particularly, it's pretty key to getting a foot in the door (well maybe a toenail). It's pretty daunting all this.

There was one designer on the panel whose work I have always loved, and I was relieved to find how unaffected and unassuming he was. There's hope yet.

Auchtung

Maybe it's just me but I've noticed when I'm going round town and I think I'm having a bad skin/hair day...or...if I'm feeling like I'm looking good today. I seem to get more attention (from the opposite sex) when I'm having a bad day. I'm thinking "Why the hell are you looking at me?! I look terrible!". And if I'm not getting enough attention I get a bit annoyed because I've made some effort! I can't win:(

This is how you do it Linklater...

This is where it moves up several levels...Part 6 of 13



Sure Waking Life had interesting things in it...but Linklater didn't write any of it. It was basically a bunch of short clips of intelluctuals giving a lecture on philosophy 101. The animation didn't really go anywhere, which was a big disappointment, no creativity there where it should be. Not much of a plot or progression/development either. Weak basically.

Before Sunset : Linklater, Hawke & Delpy...please kill me!

Before Sunset (Part 3)
Uploaded by fictionboy. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

What an utter pile of crap this was. I don't think I've known anyone who can talk non stop for 80 minutes about nothing. I'm serious, do people like this really exist? Bloody hell, I hope I don't meet any of them, they would drive me nuts! Especially someone like Celine, save-the-world, left wing do-gooders, who have a very narrow, simple take on the world and are much too fond of spouting their own opinions.

Anyway, the fact the 'characters' were completely bland and 2D, wasn't the only thing that was terrible about this film. The dialogue was forced, as was the so called 'acting' that went along with it. Delpy was a pain to watch, she looked awkward, and the way she spoke seemed so unrealistic (she sounded like she putting on an American accent). Hawke didn't really do anything in this film instead look like a teenaged boy trying to get laid. Not only that, it was utterly boring, I found myself looking away or looking at my finger nails. I watched it up until they got to her apartment, then I just had it on in the background while I typed this up. Not good.

There was no structure or plot, no build up, or build down, no development...besides them going to her apartment and she cringingly doing a Nina Simone impression. And that was it! Urgh! Please, get over yourselves! Oh, and before you start yelling at the screen all you lovers of this movie, I have seen the prequel Before Sunrise. That was marginally better than this cringe fest.

I hate Linklater films. They are so puerile, lazy, self-indulgent, trite, contrived, he tries too hard to convey something deep or heart felt, but all that comes across is something pointless, fake and unnatural. You know those people who love the sound of their own voice?...well I can imagine if I ever met Linklater, he would be one of these people. God help us!

This was one of many films listed by that guy I met, along with Sex & Lucia. This is not looking good, I pretty much hate everything he loves with a few exceptions. Oh well, maybe this is a good place to start a heated discussion - nothing I like better. Oh, when I first met him, he even suggested we go to Vienna!

Music to Turn Me On

I've had this track on my ipod for ages but never realised it was from this film. Everything makes sense now. Oh my god, who needs men when you have music like this!

Wow, I used to feel such apathy

One fateful day I decided to go to uni to start on my essay. Ever since that day, I have been feeling so many highs & lows, it's been crazy and I have never felt this way before. I really hate it. And all because someone saw me and thought to take a chance.

If this had happened a few years back, it wouldn't have mattered so much. But at this time in my life, it's total chaos. A choice that will affect the rest of my life. Things are shifting, but it's upto me how much. Bad timing though, with all this financial doom and gloom. Just when I was breaking free, just when I felt like it was the right time. Oh, I am the ever practical one, as much as its been an advantage, on the whole its been an absolute curse.

I'm shocked at how apathetic I was.

Renew my Faith in Brother

Don't worry I'm not religious, nothing to do God and all that. Just wanted to say something about trying to keep positive about men. It's a difficult thing as I am surrounded by bad role models and the experiences I've had have been disappointing. I never seem to meet guys who see me for who I am, it never gets beyond the superficial.

I always get the feeling like they expect me to be a certain way, like some sort of character or stereotype. I know I'm a difficult person to get to know. I'm not a very open or outgoing person and I don't like feeling vulnerable. But that doesn't mean to say I can't be open, it depends on the other person. With the last guy, it was very open, because he was so forthcoming and rather blatant ( I liked this, because it enabled me to be the same). But this was ultimately what put me off, he was lacking tact, was a bit too impulsive about what he said (which he admittedly regretted) and was quite pushy. I don't know. I do want to see him again though.

Like no other

What I wrote while watching Before Sunrise (Hawke-no, I don't fancy him if you have to know):

I watch these people
I don't see anything in them like me
They're cute
Passionate
Perfect
And normal
Who am I?
I don't know myself
Strange
I have no label
No box you can put me in
I am like no other
Funny
Cause I want to be like everyone else
Normal
Sure, you say there's no such thing as normal
But when you're faced with people who don't quite know how to take you
Constantly
You get to thinking there's something about me that throws people
I don't know anymore

Engage - [me] - disengage

The more I try to engage in the world around me, the more I feel dis-engaged, disconnected.
On the edge of something
A barrier I can't across
This grey area
Limbo
Never belonging anywhere
Never feeling totally at home
What is this?!
Me being hyper-selfaware?
Me being hyper-sensitive?
What is this shit?!

High Maintenance

By nature I am a true slob. Necessity on the other dictates otherwise. There are things I must do to appear as a Free person; things I must do to feel in myself a sense of being part of the world; to have a sense of the possible - hope; confidence and self-esteem (the usual shit). Course, everyone has this insecurity to some extent.

The internet is a miracle. What I've learnt is a revelation and I would never have this sense of hope without it. I know I'm getting rather cryptic and abstract. What I'm refering to is a condition I have. Have lived with since my teens and didn't know any better. I thought I just had to live it. The high maintenace is something I need to experiment with, go on a trial by error. I'm determined to find something that will sort this miserable condition out and get me back to who I'm supposed to be. I use to repeat this rhyme to myself: I'm not the person who I was going to be, if some thing didn't happen to me.

I envy anyone who can walk out the door and not have to fuss over a beauty routine, just to look normal/healthy. Those Free people know who are.

Melancholy Kid

Found while doing a big clean out, a poem I wrote for class, aged 7.

~The Wind~

It’s like the wind is inside me
Like it’s trying to push my soul out
It roars about trying to get inside me
It drags me about like a piece of cloth from the bin
It tries to force me to come to him
And use me like a ball to play with
It tries to push you off the cliff
The children play and shout as if they can’t feel the force of the wind
The children play and shout as if they don’t know the wind is there
The wind rushes about as if he’s having a race with the clouds