The curse of having time

If Lifes a Bitch...then she dealt a fucking shit hand to me. Fuck, I wish sometimes she'd given me some cancer or other shit like that. At least that way I'd have a fucking excuse. But what the fuck have I got to moan about, people are dying of starvation, diesease & fucking wars. There'd be no time to fuck around and whine about my shit, I'd be too busy trying to get clean water, a fucking decent meal a day or escape some fucking gun-toting militia run by some sadistic warlord. Right?

Our lives are so small. Navel gazing is a luxury.

Bank Holiday Monday

Decided to go out for a walk down central, got myself a new bra...the sun was blazing today.

People were out, young & old.

Saw a couple walking towards me by the bus stop while I was waiting. They looked really happy, young, healthy, carefree. I envied that.

There was another girl by herself, just sitting on a side street pavement, eating and talking on the phone, she looked totally carefree. I envied that too.

And there was me, looking in the mirror of a changing room. Hair in a state, all rough; terrible skin. I was tense and I knew headache was soon to come.

Waiting for a bus, I kept myself occupied by looking at some books outside a bookshop but was slightly annoyed by the sun reflecting off a window opposite. Then, I suddenly remembered High Windows.

I wish I had brought my camera (I almost did but thought better).

High Windows by Philip Larkin

When I see a couple of kids
And guess he's fucking her and she's
Taking pills or wearing a diaphragm,
I know this is paradise.

Everyone old has dreamed of all their lives-
Bonds and gestures pushed to one side
Like an outdated combine harvester
And everyone young going down the long slide

To happiness, endlessly. I wonder if
Anyone looked at me, forty years back,
And thought, That'll be the life;
No God any more, or sweating in the dark;

About hell and that, or having to hide;
What you think of the priest. He
And his lot will all go down the long slide
Like free bloody birds. And immediately
Rather than words comes the thought of high windows:
The sun-comprehending glass,
And beyond it, the deep blue air, that shows
Nothing, and is nowhere, and is endless.

I miss him (& his hair), but I can't live with him

How many times have you heard that, right? (not the hair bit o'course)

Maybe it's just the male company or the feeling that you're the object of someones desires...

I told him when I met him, I only feel lonely when someone is seriously interested in me; asks me out. These guys remind me of what I'm missing. I haven't felt lonely since the last guy asked me out, so it figures. What's different this time? He was completely serious. Thing is, I knew it would never work. For all the good things about him there was a little too much on the negative (nothing major) that tipped the balance. But I still miss him, dammit. And his gorgeous curly dark brown hair...I want to run my hands through those curls! Ah!

That's not him btw, but his hair! Ah!

Crusader

There's a scene in Great Expectations when Miss Haversham says to Estella "You can break his heart, if you like..." & later on Mr Pocket explains to Pip that Estella was brought up by Miss Haversham to reek revenge on all the male sex...or something along those lines.

Well, this is exactly how I'm feeling now. I want to hurt men, I want to be Estella, I want to break their hearts.

I love tanned skin

I was down Kilburn today on a few errands, was making my way back home on the 31 bus when I noticed a guy. It wasn't actually him that caught my eye, but his army jacket (love them), he had it buttoned up which looked so good. Anyways, my eye made it's way to his skin...god did he have such a gorgeous tan. It wasn't overdone, just right, like sun blushed tomatoes (yum). I sat on the seat parallel to him and checked out his hands. Now, I have a thing for mens hands, broad, a little beaten around the edges, manly but slightly slender. His were all these things plus a warm tone with a little healthy hint of pink (just like mine).

I used to think I didn't like tanned men for some reason...strange that, maybe cause I had a prejudice they were all middle aged dirty old codgers with matted toupees, gold teeth, and leering eyes. Yuk!

Delicious mood

I don't know if it's just anger, frustration, lust, what...I suddenly had a mad thought:

I would seek out guys around town, who, if they looked interested and I was certain, I would go upto and give the biggest baddest snog...walk casually away and that would be that. Oh and I might thank them in a very cool manner: Thank you for your cooperation...

This is no bluff. I feel like I've got to get something out of my system. I need to cross some barrier. Do something so out of character, and if you knew me, you would blink wide mouthed in absolute disbelief.

That might not be all, in the event of the guy running upto me and asking what that was for...what would I say?

By The Kiss

What's the fucking big deal? Stop moaning!

I tell myself this constantly

Thing is, the world I live in is pretty shallow
No, the world I live in is completely & totally shallow
First impressions?
Oooh, she looks hot...
Damn she won't let me in...
Oooh, wait there's another one

A big black hole swallows every hope everafter

The problem with free people...

Is you don't know what you've got
Just let it all hang out
Nothing
It means nothing to you
Cause you just don't realise what you have
Freedom
Here I am you say
In all your glory
Just like the day you were born
Nothings changed
Everything all fucking hunky dory, right?

Myths & Legend

Legend has it
I am your perfect china doll
Legend has it
My long black hair will feel like silk
Legend has it
I am willing to act out all your secret desires
Legend has it
I will squeak & call out your name with delight in moments of passion
Legend has it
Your visions of bliss & happiness will be lived out with me
Legend has it
You will have hundreds of photos of me half naked on Facebook & Myspace
Legend has it
I will be a trophy for you to show the world
Legend has it
I will be faithful

The Age of 30

I'm still waiting
How long do I need to wait?
Until some amazing guy decides to grow up

I was feeling better...then

I decided to go back into the world
Then, I was reminded
Free people are everywhere
The majority rules

WTF is it with these guys?
What am I?
Some fucking fantasy in the flesh?
Boy are they gonna get a fucking reality check

He told me I was his ideal
Tish...I didn't believe a word
Did he mean it?
Now get this...
This guy draws comics, graphic novels whatever you want to call it
He shows me some of his work
Alright, cool
As time goes by
I realise he's got some strange thing with living out stuff in his comics
Then I do a bit of sneaking on Myspace
Films he's watched
Music he listens to

This is when Sex & Lucia happened...

Crap
Now I realise moments in the film he tried acting out with me!
Tish

What I wrote while watching Sex & Lucia…

I hate freedom
Because I have none
I watch these people fucking
Standing without a thought
In all their glory
I look away
Stare
At nothing
At the thought of freedom
Tell me, what’s it’s like?
Freedom
Fucking hell
It’s everywhere
24/7
The haves
To my have not
Sure no ones fucking perfect, right?
I just want a little bit of this freedom
Just a morsel
Just to get me by in this miserable fucking world
Grant me this little bit of happiness
And you can have my soul
I don’t fucking care anymore
It hurts too much anyway

Boo fucking hoo
To those girls out there who are crying over some fool they lost
Boo fucking hoo
You lot were just faking it
Faking it to keep your man
Full of shit

Free people
They walk on the edge of life and death
They feel everything
Every emotion
Where do I stand?
On the precipice of a desert
Where ever I go
I end up in the same place
No different from the last
I feel nothing
Only emptiness
A longing to go somewhere

Sex & Lucia…WTF was that about?
Anyone?