Todays Funeral

Bit of a rant after attending my uncles funeral.

What happens when you don't fit in with your family because it would be hypocritical for you to go along with their way of doing things? Doing anything out of some made up code of fealty would mark you as disrespectful, not part of the 'proper' family. When in fact, I think it's the other way round.

I really don't care for upholding antiquated, often destructive filial rules and superstitions with my family. I've seen too much hypocrisy and backstabbing amongst this older generation. All these formalities are there to keep you in your place (and that is a very lowly place). I've seen how this unquestioning loyalty and deference to your elders has lead to a lot of unhappiness, betrayal, divorce, abandonment, family split ups, illegitimate children, adultery, money grabbing, gambling, begging...and the list goes on. All this pride, giving face, keeping up appearances leads to lying. Lying to people, to family and lying to yourself. The one thing that is so lacking in my family is honesty.

I won't be part of this. What you see, is what you get. I've always been a pragmatist. That's why I'd rather relate to people and family as they are. As human beings, not just another elder. When I was forced to do so as a child, I always felt dishonest. As I grew up I disregarded this (to my detriment) because I saw how it put me in place of absolute subservience, unworthy of opinion.

I fancy you, but we have absolutely nothing in common (and I don't care)

Something that keeps coming up in my misadventures with the opposite sex, is the very obvious fact that I have nothing, absolutely nothing in common with the men that are attracted to me. This doesn't matter in anyway to them at all. They continue to have some fantasy about my 'type' that doesn't exist.

This means that all I am is a sexual object, a trophy, a thing of flesh and bone but not a person - with a personality (as you might expect being human).

Apparently, it doesn't really matter because I'm supposed to just take on whatever his interests, his passions, his opinions are. I'm supposed to fit in to him. I'm supposed to be bland, quiet,'feminine', inoffensive, non argumentative, passive. Gray Middle class. My 'types' all want to be middle class and white of course.

And then, there are the guys that completely ignore me, dismiss me because they hold the exact same views on my 'type'. What attracts the first guy to me, completely repulses the second.

One sees his stereotype of me as a positive, the other negative. The thing is, all stereotyping is negative. It serves no one.

I saw this scene a few years ago. I was having lunch with a friend in a Korean restaurant in China town. A couple came in and sat opposite us. They were young (early 20s), probably students, super trendy and fashionably dressed. The guy was white, tall, blonde, wore glasses, I'm pretty sure he was British. He seemed a bit geeky. The girl was a pretty average Asian, definitely from overseas, so a native Asian. Exotic to the average westerner.

They were almost the perfect couple, in terms of looks.

Yet, as my friend and I continued chatting away (quite loudly), I noticed the couple didn't say more than a few words to each other the entire time they were there. Did they have an argument? Nope, they didn't look annoyed, angry, nothing. If anything, it looked like it was a first date or something.

Ok, so people tend to get shy on first meetings, but this couple didn't even try to start a conversation. Aren't you supposed to talk to each other? Not just sit there and eat in silence. Am I exaggerating for effect? Actually no, they literally sat there and ate in silence!

I found the whole thing bizarre. Why on earth would you want to meet up and have a meal with someone and not talk? At all?

Was there a language problem? I don't think so, they both spoke quite easily when ordering food.

They didn't look tired or weary. I know hanging out with friends we sometime get a bit burnt out after chatting away so much, we get quiet at the end of a long day spent together. Was this the case with this couple? I really don't think so, it seemed like they had just met up, it was congenial and polite, but a little nervous (as usual on first dates).

Was there some no verbal flirting going on? Nope, I observed them pretty closely. There wasn't a glimmer of a smile to be seen, not any emotion. They were eating on the same table, but as complete strangers. Had you walked past, you would have thought they were strangers and not a couple.

Imagine yourself in such a relationship. I couldn't. Why would I go out with someone who fancied me, but had nothing to say to me? What could he be interested in?

I don't know, may be I'm being harsh. Maybe these two people were too alike, both too quiet, too shy, too bland.

This is a scene you usually find with long term couples. We've said everything. I've gotten so used to you that I don't see you any more. We just exist together and we've become convenient to each other.

This wasn't the case though. All I can conclude is the 'relationship' was simply based on superficial looks and pretty much nothing else.  No spark, no connection, no recognition.

Although there was a little nervousness, there wasn't any of the pressure of a first date at all. The sad thing was, they seemed to be content with this. No effort to break the silence, no comments on the food, nothing...?

I never want to be like this.

Making a new start somewhere far away

I think this is the only way to find my own space/place/life. I can't see any other way to get away from family duty/servitude. I've been existing, trying to live but always failing. Failing in just about every aspect of life. When I say life, I mean all the things that I see everyone else doing. All the simple little things that people seem to do automatically, as if no effort was needed. They just fall into it like nature.

I must be the most unnatural person I know. Stunted not just in youth but at every opportunity of growth and independence. I can pin point events, periods of my 'life' when I had potential. Everything I seem to try (with the exception of maybe 1 or 2 events), I utterly fail to make something of it.

So I'm seriously thinking of moving to Canada or America somewhere. Somewhere where there's space to expand, somewhere where I'd actually be considered 'special' or at least interesting. I am interesting. It's just that London is full of people with too much going to distract them, too impatient, too judgemental, too shallow to make any effort to know who I really am.

And I'm dying here. Suffocating, whatever I have to offer is wasted. I'm wasting.

Frasier Roz & the Schnoz - Meeting new people

While watching this hilarious episode of Frasier, I began to realise I was the couple with the "giant schnauzers". No, I haven't got a huge nose. I don't have a big anything in fact. What struck me was the way they were treated.

Like Rozs expectant baby's grandparents, I have something that is unavoidably noticeable, something that some people have a sensitivity to (conscious or not). What it this thing? My difference in race. Ok, I don't get people just randomly laughing at me because of it, but it is something that many people seem to bring up and they can't see you outside of a very small stereotyped set of ideas and assumptions about Asian people. Just like the big nose couple, it is all they see and they simply can't get beyond that shallowness. I can literally pin point the moment people pause when they meet me. There's always a hesitation, I feel like there's something wrong with me. Does that mean these (often white) people are uncomfortable around people of different race/colour? Why? I don't get it. This is London, one of the most racially, culturally diverse places on earth.

It's like they see only the dominant difference, and not all the other subtle things that make up a person as you would if you were meeting a white English person. The way they're dressed, the way they talk, mannerisms. It's still shallow, but at least it is a start to something more human. Instead, I get reactions that don't seem to go beyond race, and then gender. With Asian, my gender is inherently connected to my race. Stereotypes abound within western culture.

Dreaming of ghosts from my past

Someone I haven't thought about for years turned up in a dream last night (I saw him last about 15 years ago). I've never dreamt about him ever, until now. Strange how the mind works.

I was in college doing an art & design foundation course and he was my tutor. Mark was a tall, geeky looking guy (glasses of course) and always seemed awkward in his own skin. Those were the days when things could happen, and this is when I first began to be self aware. Not in the stereotypical teenage way, no, this was when I started to mature and develop into myself. I remember distinctly moments when I became aware I was more clever and witty than my brothers (that hasn't changed over the years).

Let me see, I left rubbish sixth form around 18 or so. Got onto the course, found it great but didn't finish the two years, returned the next year. So I must have been there for four years. Saw the first class go off to do their degrees or whatever, the second class became more bonded. God, that was so long ago. I don't think I've particularly changed much, just alot more confident now. Funny that, because the work I did back then was so much more interesting, innovative. Now, it's analysed way too much! There's a gradual price to pay for self awareness.

I have to say this dream was quite out of the blue. What I remember is vague but it seems Mark and I just had the most intense relationship. He lives a few doors down, so we were practically neighbours. I make my way back to his place to see him again, and there are two elderly ladies (nicely dressed) who seem to be bickering about some issue in the living room. There's a familiarity to everyone. I can't remember what happened next, but I and some other people I know end up on top of a skyscraper and need to get down. One of my friends (who I don't recognise) climbs down the side. I'm not having any of that thank you and go through down from the inside of the skyscraper. And that's it! Weird or what!

This is actually quite typical of my dreams. They're often surreal with a mix of real and made up people and places. Why I would suddenly dream of Mark makes little sense in the context of my life right now. But the relationship part has a lot to do with a (most probably true) rumour that went around at the time that he slept with a German student (don't remember her name) in my first class. Apparently she did it so he would make a real effort to get her and her Japanese friend into Goldsmiths art college (she did). I only learnt this from Maria in the second class a year later. And then she turns up at our final graduation exhibition and I couldn't look at her or Mark in quite the same way. LOL!

I do admit to having had a slight crush on Mark, but I'd never imagine this! Very art school:)

Ah! Nostalgic for those innocent days...