I was trying to think of the word when I wrote my previous post on my so called godmothers delight in belittling me. This is the word.
Here's an article that tries to describe it in more detail, but doesn't quite describe what happened to me. So I'm not quite sure if it can be called Schadenfreude or maybe a combination of belittlement, condescension and Schadenfreude. Basically bullying.
The worst thing about it was it came from nowhere. I only spoke a few words to this godmother on a few occasions before, no real conversation.
I answered the phone today, and she was on the other end again wanting to talk to my dad. She always gets me and my mum mixed up (apparently we have the same voice?). Once she realised it was me, her tone completely changed from jovial to cold in a second. No conversation.
I gave her the cold shoulder last time she came and didn't eat dinner with them. I was replaced at the dinner table by my half cousin (from my uncles affair - he has 9 children). She randomly turned up that night having realised how shit our family is (especially the men). Lots of empathy and home truths.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
Sunday, 21 December 2014
Playing hard to get in London means...
I've not had a proper conversation with a man for years. This happens with friends friends, not just first time meets. They have no interest in me whatsoever, nothing beyond trying to impress me with their nonsense, their practised set pieces.
Friday, 5 December 2014
I was never like this before
I've never been so self conscious as I am now. Not when I was a 14 or 24. This has gradually been getting worst as I get older, I'm now 35. My sense of worth is close to nothing, and it always comes down to comparing myself with others or some comment by someone.
A friend of the family years ago (and an ex of my dads), has reappeared after 30 years. From what I know she was a bit of a hippie (I use that description loosely), never had kids and liked men. She's also supposed to be my godmother. Apparently she studied architecture, but has somehow ended up teaching immigrants.
Earlier this year she came round with another old girl friend for lunch. I was taken back by their greediness and lack of self-awareness. The topic turned to me and what I doing. After being on the most pointless degree, I didn't know what I wanted to do, I was helping with the family business which was suffering. They really didn't want to know what exactly I did on this degree. I told them I did some lighting, so she suggested working for a lighting company or be an electrician. Apparently, because I was working with my family, I wasn't trying hard enough and I didn't make the effort to get out of that and into some job. My family business is pretty interesting work, and I'm often the one who has the know-how to certain things, it's no ordinary job.
She then went on to talk about someone elses daughter who worked at some high fashion store (Burberry?), and she made hats or something. Apparently I should have wanted to work there too, and this was some sort of attempt at an opportunity. Why? I gave no impression of wanting to work in fashion. I was not fashionably dressed, but apparently I should be because all 'young' people must be. The whole thing was bizarre and made no sense to me. Was she expecting me to be like this other person? And why? Why should I compare my life with someone elses? Not only that, but to compare in the most shallow way? I don't get it.
All this was said in the most cold and un-compassionate way, as if I was just being lazy. I felt terrible. Then she admitted to not having a job until in her 50's, so what did she know. The other fat girl friend never worked. All the while they are stuffing themselves with a whole peking duck we had bought, while I, my mum and dad watched.
I don't think I have ever been so quickly and harshly judged, literally a few minutes. The assumptions insinuated in the very little I told them was unbelievable. As if they had heard bad things about me, and were there to simply tear into me. It gave them pleasure to demean me.
Fact is, everyone on that degree felt demoralised afterwards. We talk about how blind we were to the incompetence of our tutors and looking back it is all so clear now. Hindsight. I felt if I tried to defend myself and the degree I did, it wouldn't make any difference, it would all be seen as excuses. They talked so flippantly about everything I told them, I didn't bother engaging in further conversation. It was pointless.
She rang a day ago to arrange dinner, and she did it again. The same condescending tone, the same knife to jab me with. I know my family situation is not ideal, but to make assumptions about nothing she knows, and even worst, something she doesn't care to know about. It's such a bad reflection on her. The short conversation was very awkward, I didn't expect the fucking Spanish inquisition.
She doesn't do this to my brother, because he has an iphone and is a social butterfly. He is also incredibly lazy, selfish, and has done practically nothing for the business (I'm not exaggerating to score points). It has always been me and mum running everything. But no, she doesn't see this, all she sees is a trendy, with-it sociable guy who she used to baby sit. It seems to be all about surface with her, all shallowness.
A friend of the family years ago (and an ex of my dads), has reappeared after 30 years. From what I know she was a bit of a hippie (I use that description loosely), never had kids and liked men. She's also supposed to be my godmother. Apparently she studied architecture, but has somehow ended up teaching immigrants.
Earlier this year she came round with another old girl friend for lunch. I was taken back by their greediness and lack of self-awareness. The topic turned to me and what I doing. After being on the most pointless degree, I didn't know what I wanted to do, I was helping with the family business which was suffering. They really didn't want to know what exactly I did on this degree. I told them I did some lighting, so she suggested working for a lighting company or be an electrician. Apparently, because I was working with my family, I wasn't trying hard enough and I didn't make the effort to get out of that and into some job. My family business is pretty interesting work, and I'm often the one who has the know-how to certain things, it's no ordinary job.
She then went on to talk about someone elses daughter who worked at some high fashion store (Burberry?), and she made hats or something. Apparently I should have wanted to work there too, and this was some sort of attempt at an opportunity. Why? I gave no impression of wanting to work in fashion. I was not fashionably dressed, but apparently I should be because all 'young' people must be. The whole thing was bizarre and made no sense to me. Was she expecting me to be like this other person? And why? Why should I compare my life with someone elses? Not only that, but to compare in the most shallow way? I don't get it.
All this was said in the most cold and un-compassionate way, as if I was just being lazy. I felt terrible. Then she admitted to not having a job until in her 50's, so what did she know. The other fat girl friend never worked. All the while they are stuffing themselves with a whole peking duck we had bought, while I, my mum and dad watched.
I don't think I have ever been so quickly and harshly judged, literally a few minutes. The assumptions insinuated in the very little I told them was unbelievable. As if they had heard bad things about me, and were there to simply tear into me. It gave them pleasure to demean me.
Fact is, everyone on that degree felt demoralised afterwards. We talk about how blind we were to the incompetence of our tutors and looking back it is all so clear now. Hindsight. I felt if I tried to defend myself and the degree I did, it wouldn't make any difference, it would all be seen as excuses. They talked so flippantly about everything I told them, I didn't bother engaging in further conversation. It was pointless.
She rang a day ago to arrange dinner, and she did it again. The same condescending tone, the same knife to jab me with. I know my family situation is not ideal, but to make assumptions about nothing she knows, and even worst, something she doesn't care to know about. It's such a bad reflection on her. The short conversation was very awkward, I didn't expect the fucking Spanish inquisition.
So what are doing? Do you actually want to stay in the business? Hope you don't feel I'm lecturing you.
She doesn't do this to my brother, because he has an iphone and is a social butterfly. He is also incredibly lazy, selfish, and has done practically nothing for the business (I'm not exaggerating to score points). It has always been me and mum running everything. But no, she doesn't see this, all she sees is a trendy, with-it sociable guy who she used to baby sit. It seems to be all about surface with her, all shallowness.
Saturday, 13 September 2014
Dreaming of betraying someone who doesn't exist
Most if not all of my dreams have people in them that I don't know and have never seen before. Strangers. But it's often I actually have a relationship with them, weather it be friend or partner or fellow traveller etc.
I had one such dream last night, or was it actually this morning when I went back to sleep after having a shower.
A group of friends, three couples. I'm with either my long term boyfriend or husband. It feels like a stable relationship. All the men were friends before any girl friends came along. We're out somewhere by an old brick building and there's discussion about some sort of business my partner and one other guy are setting up. It feels like a trendy part of town, somewhere like Brick Lane. For some reason, there's anticipation that I and one of the other guys (not my partner) will have to put on a kiss. I have no idea why, it almost feels like some sort of acting job for something. Very strange. My partner is behind still in the building, I'm going outside with the two other guys. I know there is attraction on both sides, but I also know he has much deeper feelings. I think he thinks he's in love with me. He has that starry eyed look. He's ahead of me, while the other guy is just about to come out. He turns back to me and half jokingly tries to kiss me, I say 'stop it' in a half serious way. He then grabs me and gives an almighty kiss just as the other guy comes out. He sees it and I know he see it.
Later, I get a few seconds alone with the friend that saw us, and tell him 'Don't say a thing'. He knew there was something between us. I actually don't know how I feel about it, though who wouldn't feel somehow good about being wanted? I remember just after the kiss, holding his face in my hand tenderly. Like I really wanted it.
This was not like other dreams I've had which always seem surreal with shifting scenes or something ridiculous or fantastic. This seemed very vivid, as if it had really just happened. I don't know what it means. I just wish it were real.
I had one such dream last night, or was it actually this morning when I went back to sleep after having a shower.
A group of friends, three couples. I'm with either my long term boyfriend or husband. It feels like a stable relationship. All the men were friends before any girl friends came along. We're out somewhere by an old brick building and there's discussion about some sort of business my partner and one other guy are setting up. It feels like a trendy part of town, somewhere like Brick Lane. For some reason, there's anticipation that I and one of the other guys (not my partner) will have to put on a kiss. I have no idea why, it almost feels like some sort of acting job for something. Very strange. My partner is behind still in the building, I'm going outside with the two other guys. I know there is attraction on both sides, but I also know he has much deeper feelings. I think he thinks he's in love with me. He has that starry eyed look. He's ahead of me, while the other guy is just about to come out. He turns back to me and half jokingly tries to kiss me, I say 'stop it' in a half serious way. He then grabs me and gives an almighty kiss just as the other guy comes out. He sees it and I know he see it.
Later, I get a few seconds alone with the friend that saw us, and tell him 'Don't say a thing'. He knew there was something between us. I actually don't know how I feel about it, though who wouldn't feel somehow good about being wanted? I remember just after the kiss, holding his face in my hand tenderly. Like I really wanted it.
This was not like other dreams I've had which always seem surreal with shifting scenes or something ridiculous or fantastic. This seemed very vivid, as if it had really just happened. I don't know what it means. I just wish it were real.
I don't know where it came from, I hate soap operas and romantic chick flicks. I've never had any feelings towards friends boyfriends, no one in passing. It takes quite a lot for me to become truly attracted to someone, more than just looks or swagger.
Maybe an emotional release or something?
Monday, 8 September 2014
Sadness
So, she's basically chosen work and money over friendship. And the saddest thing about that is she thinks it's perfectly ok. She doesn't need friends to live. Just money.
When I said we should just leave the friendship until next year, and that I wanted to go on to (try) to make new friends, she couldn't understand why I was trying to walk away and push her and Rhea away. God, if she can't see that this is not a real friendship any more, that I am the only one who text them to meet up. Every time. There has never been a time when they have text me, not without some sort of feeling of obligation as if our friendship was a fucking chore. What message am I to take from that? They say one thing and do another. They lie to me and they lie to themselves to make them feel better about their flaky behaviour.
When I said we should just leave the friendship until next year, and that I wanted to go on to (try) to make new friends, she couldn't understand why I was trying to walk away and push her and Rhea away. God, if she can't see that this is not a real friendship any more, that I am the only one who text them to meet up. Every time. There has never been a time when they have text me, not without some sort of feeling of obligation as if our friendship was a fucking chore. What message am I to take from that? They say one thing and do another. They lie to me and they lie to themselves to make them feel better about their flaky behaviour.
Letting go of friends & Depression
Week One
I text Becky to ask if she wants to hang out this weekend. Its Wednesday so there's plenty of time to make arrangements. She sounds like it's all good. She texts Rhea if she wants to go too. I know shes going to skip because shes got her new best friend/flat mate to party with now. I let her go ages ago because we just don't have anything in common any more (not that we did much in the first place).
All of a sudden Becky has no money because her mum can't drive her to/from the station (she lives in the middle of nowhere). Now she needs to make up for the money she has to spend on the bus getting home and back. She lives at home, pays no rent and is earning way above minimum wage. She does nothing but work, so where all that money has gone, who the fuck knows. All I asked was to hang out for a day, like friends do.
Her txt goes like this:
So I completely turn off my phone, I don't expect to hear from her again for another month or so. Who would? After being told she can't go out because she hasn't got the money. For the exact time of 3 months? Fine. Try to let it go...
Week Two
So I just get on with work and projects at home. Randomly I turn on my phone on the Friday evening after finishing a piece I made. Oh, what's this? A text from Becky asking if I wanted to go out on Saturday.
On top of overwhelming disappointment I'm getting angry. But I hold it in, and tell myself I'll meet up and then tell her how her behaviour to me has made me feel. I'll save my anger.
I reply: I thought you had no money?
I get a reply in the morning of Saturday:
The Weekend
For the next 2 days we argue over her bailing out again. Apparently, because she didn't get a reply in time, she agreed to work and she couldn't get out of it. She volunteered and gets the overtime pay. She doesn't answer my questions about her previous text saying she hadn't the money to spend for the next 3 months. She immediately goes into defensive mode and doesn't take any notice of what I'm saying. She starts to get very petty, arguing over very small silly things, just like she does at her work place. Her language is cold just like she was talking to someone at work. She's closed off her emotions and any feeling she has. I on the other hand am basically in tears and want to finish the friendship.
Since she started working, all she ever talks about is work. And all she ever says is negative. Moaning and whining about this and that. I think she's turned into a workaholic. And even worst something of a self-obsessive. I happily listen and give my advice every time. I get angry on her behalf about how she's treated. We talked (last time I saw her) about her manager not being very good, he relied solely on her to pick the slack of everyone else. That was not fair on her, but she just falls for his friendly charming ways every time. From what she's told me, he can't control the bad attitude around there so he just lays the work on her. And she happily takes it.
I'm attacking her manager and she comes up with a supremely hurtful comment:
This happened a few weeks ago, so the emotions have subsided somewhat. But I can tell you, this sent me into a bout of depression. I do not use that word lightly. I know I have been on the tip of it for a few years now.
I finally came out that I was suffering from depression. She's not the kind of person to turn to for help, which is why I never talked about it to her. She wouldn't know what to do with it. I was right, she talked about getting help from a doctor and that was pretty much it.
Suddenly her problems became overshadowed by mine. I never talk about myself or my troubles. I'm always the one listening to others and giving advice. No one has ever really wanted to know. Anyone with depression knows what I'm talking about.
The conversation pretty much stopped there. No arranging to meet up. If I knew a friend was feeling low, the first thing I would do is try to see them as soon as possible. I didn't get that. I never wanted to talk about my troubles, all I wanted was a cheer up, a good laugh. What are friends for?
I'm having to look at this 'friendship' from a step back without getting emotional. Trying to work out if this person, who I've known for 8 years since uni, is worth me knowing any more.
This Week
I texted her this past week to see, yes, if she wanted to hang out. I expect her to say no or make some excuse.
I could leave it there but I actually have something to ask about laser cutting at her workplace. I have some jewellery I'm making I want to get cut and ask if it's possible for her (or her boyfriend who she works with) to do it at work. Yes, send me what you want to get cut etc etc. Like she was taking an order from a customer, a stranger. She doesn't ask about what it is I'm making, or how it's going. No interest whatsoever.
I don't reply to her after that. She comes back a few days later:
Where do I go from here?
I text Becky to ask if she wants to hang out this weekend. Its Wednesday so there's plenty of time to make arrangements. She sounds like it's all good. She texts Rhea if she wants to go too. I know shes going to skip because shes got her new best friend/flat mate to party with now. I let her go ages ago because we just don't have anything in common any more (not that we did much in the first place).
All of a sudden Becky has no money because her mum can't drive her to/from the station (she lives in the middle of nowhere). Now she needs to make up for the money she has to spend on the bus getting home and back. She lives at home, pays no rent and is earning way above minimum wage. She does nothing but work, so where all that money has gone, who the fuck knows. All I asked was to hang out for a day, like friends do.
Her txt goes like this:
Mum can't drive me for 3 months. I need to save for bus. We have to meet another time.I cannot tell you how disappointed I am with her. This sends me into a string of negative thoughts about myself. How can I not? You ask yourself why she suddenly made a silly excuse like that. Why she doesn't want to spend time with me.
So I completely turn off my phone, I don't expect to hear from her again for another month or so. Who would? After being told she can't go out because she hasn't got the money. For the exact time of 3 months? Fine. Try to let it go...
Week Two
So I just get on with work and projects at home. Randomly I turn on my phone on the Friday evening after finishing a piece I made. Oh, what's this? A text from Becky asking if I wanted to go out on Saturday.
On top of overwhelming disappointment I'm getting angry. But I hold it in, and tell myself I'll meet up and then tell her how her behaviour to me has made me feel. I'll save my anger.
I reply: I thought you had no money?
I get a reply in the morning of Saturday:
Becky: Don't worry about it, it's alright.
Me: Ok, you can buy me dinner then.
Becky: LOL, blah blah blah
Me: When, where?
Becky: I'm really sorry but I can't, working today. Can we do another time?
WTF?
For the next 2 days we argue over her bailing out again. Apparently, because she didn't get a reply in time, she agreed to work and she couldn't get out of it. She volunteered and gets the overtime pay. She doesn't answer my questions about her previous text saying she hadn't the money to spend for the next 3 months. She immediately goes into defensive mode and doesn't take any notice of what I'm saying. She starts to get very petty, arguing over very small silly things, just like she does at her work place. Her language is cold just like she was talking to someone at work. She's closed off her emotions and any feeling she has. I on the other hand am basically in tears and want to finish the friendship.
Since she started working, all she ever talks about is work. And all she ever says is negative. Moaning and whining about this and that. I think she's turned into a workaholic. And even worst something of a self-obsessive. I happily listen and give my advice every time. I get angry on her behalf about how she's treated. We talked (last time I saw her) about her manager not being very good, he relied solely on her to pick the slack of everyone else. That was not fair on her, but she just falls for his friendly charming ways every time. From what she's told me, he can't control the bad attitude around there so he just lays the work on her. And she happily takes it.
I'm attacking her manager and she comes up with a supremely hurtful comment:
You just hate my life so much, why can't you be happy for me.After all those years of her going on about how bad her work place is? I hate everything in her life? I said nothing about her boyfriend or her family that she didn't tell me herself. She comes from a family where there's a lot of spite and terrible shallowness about how you should look and how much you make, who you're dating/married to. She interpreted my comments as jealousy. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was just talking about her manager and how he manipulates her. Nothing about her family or boyfriend.
This happened a few weeks ago, so the emotions have subsided somewhat. But I can tell you, this sent me into a bout of depression. I do not use that word lightly. I know I have been on the tip of it for a few years now.
I finally came out that I was suffering from depression. She's not the kind of person to turn to for help, which is why I never talked about it to her. She wouldn't know what to do with it. I was right, she talked about getting help from a doctor and that was pretty much it.
Suddenly her problems became overshadowed by mine. I never talk about myself or my troubles. I'm always the one listening to others and giving advice. No one has ever really wanted to know. Anyone with depression knows what I'm talking about.
The conversation pretty much stopped there. No arranging to meet up. If I knew a friend was feeling low, the first thing I would do is try to see them as soon as possible. I didn't get that. I never wanted to talk about my troubles, all I wanted was a cheer up, a good laugh. What are friends for?
I'm having to look at this 'friendship' from a step back without getting emotional. Trying to work out if this person, who I've known for 8 years since uni, is worth me knowing any more.
This Week
I texted her this past week to see, yes, if she wanted to hang out. I expect her to say no or make some excuse.
Busy for the next 2 weeks.That's all she says.
I could leave it there but I actually have something to ask about laser cutting at her workplace. I have some jewellery I'm making I want to get cut and ask if it's possible for her (or her boyfriend who she works with) to do it at work. Yes, send me what you want to get cut etc etc. Like she was taking an order from a customer, a stranger. She doesn't ask about what it is I'm making, or how it's going. No interest whatsoever.
I don't reply to her after that. She comes back a few days later:
How ya doin?So you're worried all of a sudden? Worried for your own conscience or actually worried about me?
Where do I go from here?
Wednesday, 23 April 2014
My family is deteriorating so is my life (what life?)
I was waiting for this to happen. I knew it would come at some point. Business is struggling, no one wants to take any responsibility. No one wants to do anything to make the situation better. Everyone despises everyone. I am on the edge of depression, and I don't say that lightly. It has been slowly coming on for the last two years now. With an increasingly abusive ageing father, another one of his destructive tantrums tipped me over a few weeks ago. And I have been on edge ever since.
I actually went on holiday to Edinburgh for 3 days a week ago with two friends, on the second day stupid things my friends did tipped me over and I sat in my room (alone) and cried. They know nothing. I paid for the apartment we stayed in, and I arranged and lead them to the sights, basically I had to organised everything and they were happy to follow. I was not happy to have to lead all the time. It pissed me off that they were constantly on their fucking smart phones paying no attention to where we were going or how to get there. I had expected better of them, so that teaches me to do absolutely nothing next time they want to go somewhere. They can fucking do it themselves, and if it doesn't happen, fuck it.
I have nothing to live for here. I was considering moving to Edinburgh after seeing it. The people don't seem to be so self-conscious and shallow as they do in London. I just need to get away from everyone here. A clean break. There's no other way to live in my house any more, it's just going to get worst.
I actually went on holiday to Edinburgh for 3 days a week ago with two friends, on the second day stupid things my friends did tipped me over and I sat in my room (alone) and cried. They know nothing. I paid for the apartment we stayed in, and I arranged and lead them to the sights, basically I had to organised everything and they were happy to follow. I was not happy to have to lead all the time. It pissed me off that they were constantly on their fucking smart phones paying no attention to where we were going or how to get there. I had expected better of them, so that teaches me to do absolutely nothing next time they want to go somewhere. They can fucking do it themselves, and if it doesn't happen, fuck it.
I have nothing to live for here. I was considering moving to Edinburgh after seeing it. The people don't seem to be so self-conscious and shallow as they do in London. I just need to get away from everyone here. A clean break. There's no other way to live in my house any more, it's just going to get worst.
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