Respect

Don't know where I saw this, but I've had the image of an old man taking his hat off as a sign of respect in my head. This always reminds me of going to my grandmas funeral. On the way there in the car procession I noticed a few elderly men doing this, or stopping and holding their hand to their heart. I remember thinking at the time how it seemed like I'd travelled a couple of years back to a time when people showed respect, curtesy, manners. It just seems such a contrast now. I was quite moved by it, just strangers passing by, which is why I've never forgotten it.

As we approached the cemetary, as part of tradition, we started throwing 'ghost money' out the windows. Not the fake looking printed money, but plain squares of paper with a square of gold leaf in the centre. Proper 'ghost money'. This was paying respect to the people who were already dead there, telling them to welcome another soul. We got a few disapproving looks from people, but of course they didn't know.

Tennis in the rain

There are some physical things you do that really make you feel good. This is one of them. I don't know what it is. Maybe the combination of total concentration on the ball, the sheer physical work and a total disregard for the rain pouring down on us...something about it is exhilarating.

...I just realised what I said in the first line, you naughty ppl;p

Am I scary or something?

Three of us were out on a graduation dinner with a bunch of my friends mates who I know in passing.

I've known this for sometime, or suspected it, but now I know for sure. I think I intimidate people, but especially guys. I really don't know what it is about me. I'm not loud, or attention seeking, I try be friendly and join in the convo. But I really never seem to get the same easiness as my other friend who knows these people as much as I do. Maybe it's because she looks like shes just out of high school, with that round baby face of hers and that naive innocence. I suspose that makes people more at ease, unthreatened. Do I intimidate them somehow?

The convo turns to Becky (baby face) finding a BF...I started conplaining about guys being wusses and it always being upto the girl to make the first moves, Rei (the one with her mates and BF) completely agreed...she met her BF on the bus and she had to make the first moves otherwise 'they' would never had happened.

God how many times have there been some guy, who so obviously was attracted to me, but never had the fucking balls to do anything about it!

Fucking story of my life. WTF is wrong with me?! Am I just meeting the wrong people?

Lowest Common Denominator

All my worst fears have been met. I keep pushing myself to believe better of people, but it always seems to come to disappointment. One thing I've learnt these past few days is if you want attention, keep it big, colourful or have hundreds of them. I have none of the above. Unfortunately, selling out on my principles wasn't my intention. Maybe I should have afterall. At least I'd have something to show after three fucking years. Money really does make the world go round.

What the fuck do I do now? I feel let down. I trusted these people. Maybe I should have a bonfire and burn everything I have done. It's all pretty worthless. What a complete waste of my life.

All that is solid melts into air. Again and again.