Truly - No one gives a shit

Another post about my fucking cousins and a so-called friend. Them, who think they can just come round and make themselves home, them who think it's alright to buy take away food and get fucking offended when you don't really want any because you're fucking allergic to it. But still take offense and make snide comments like 'is she scared of getting fat'. Them who think its alright to not even consider weather we've already gone to the trouble to make real home cooked food, who didn't bother asking. Them who don't even bother lifting a finger to 'really' help, not just ask because it's fucking polite, but genuinely want to help. Them fuckers, ungrateful, self-absorbed, really couldn't give a shit about you, fuckers. Where are their fucking manners?! They just don't care about anything but their own amusement, what they can get out of a situation.

And then I go to talk to a 'friend'. All she can do is rant on about her fucking little stupid troubles. I've been having a really bad couple of months, I feel completely lost, hopeless. I've always been there for her, listened, cheered her up when she was down. I've never asked for anything. Thats my problem, nobody listens to my problems, no one wants to know, really know. Instead she rants on about getting paid slightly less than her colleagues. In this recession, when people are struggling with minimum wage, she gets paid double that after getting lucky. She only had one job before this and then straight to a decent paid job and all she can do is moan. Then she fucking tells me she got her boyfriend a job at the same place, after telling her I would love to get a job there, get that kind of wage.

She couldn't stop going on about getting paid £1,000 less than £21,000, so I hung up. She's got no responsibilities, no rent to pay, no mortgage, no kids, no pressure from family, happy with the bf. She doesn't know what shes got, and when I tell her, it's not enough.

I've decided that I'm not going to see anyone for the next couple of months. I've had enough of their self-absorbed fucking lives. Did this friend really give a shit about me? Is that what she calls friendship.

Mind Over Matter

That radiating pain which I posted about here 3 years ago, has intensified. I can feel it, particularly down my arms and to the tips of my fingers. The joints of my hands physically turn red, and a burning, electric sensation fueled by my utter sadness and hopelessness runs down into my hands. What is this?

You're A Freak

I've always felt different. I've never felt I've ever fit in anywhere, even with my own family.

This was brought home to me today. Two older female cousins came to visit, I always try to avoid them, as I feel totally disconnected, having nothing in common. They, for some reason, had some clothes samples they wanted to give away. I was honest with them and told them it wasn't really my thing, they seemed a bit slighted.

Later on, my male cousin with his fiancee and step kids came along. So, they offered her the clothes which were gratefully accepted. A full on fashion show ensued and they even offered her some very feminine shoes which they did not show me. Obviously I wasn't the right type of girl for those, but I couldn't help but feel completely inadequate and self conscious that I wasn't part of this, that I couldn't be like them. What was wrong with me? I sat apart from all this, feeling not exactly left out, but made to feel I was not enough of a woman, that I was some sort of freak, an accepted freak in the corner looking out.

I'm actually happy with the way I dress, I like what I like. Nobody tells me otherwise. I know myself very well, I have strong opinions. It almost felt like I was being put in my place in the world, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

My cousins fiancee is very attractive, perfect skin, perfect slim body, perfect straight hair, well turned out, has two sweet kids. Put her in a room and all the guys would look in her direction. I know I'm physically inferior. I've already accepted that. I suppose because the difference was so blatantly on display, I wanted to just die there.

Over the past year or two, I've never felt so low, it's been really bad. Sometimes I can't stop having these thoughts until they overwhelm me and I start to well up. It been so consistent that even writing about it here has stopped. I try to snap out of it with my War blog, and that usually works...someone always has it worst than you.

Safe Reality

I am reeling from watching the series Homeland. One word: Crap, crap, crap. I can't believe this won awards for best drama and acting?! This isn't going to be a review, I'll have to save my spurn for when I calm down.

One way to do that is to actually take a good dose of reality. I need to be reassured reality is not the way it's been portrayed in this lazy ass excuse of 'best drama'. I don't mind ridiculous plots or people, just as long as it's believable.

After watching 4 episodes I couldn't stand it any longer. I went straight to NY Times war blog. Articles about the military, the wars and many written by veterans. Many people escape to fantasy worlds, into lives and places beyond them, into the crap on tv. I feel safe in reality, an assurance that people aren't flat 2D stereotypes, that there is more to life than getting laid, thinking about getting laid, and who's available to get laid - that's how crude Homeland is.

I do have more, but I think it's enough for now.