Human in the Age of Technology & Consummerism

Press a button, swipe a screen and there you go. You've existed for a millisecond, poof! 

If you've come across this very short blog post with a very long winded fancy title, you've wasted your time already, move on quick before you miss something! Back!!!

PS 11 people have 'wasted' their time so far.

Ghosted 'friends'

It was my birthday and as usual, I got the obligatory from these two friends. I, however, didn't reply. Which I never ever do. I always reply.

I was testing weather or not these friends actually cared. Expecting some sort of follow up to see if I was ok, nothing happened. They just didn't bother. Sigh.

I know where I stand now. Time to make new connections with people who give a shit.

Proving you are human - A circular trap

To justify your existence, let alone the basic respect given to others, you have to somehow prove you are human enough to deserve this privilege. 

Prove to who? 

Those who define what is 'human' and what is 'subhuman', a criteria of all human life on earth. 

Who gave this power to this group of people? They did themselves. In the creation of you as subhuman, a whole system developed to convince everyone else to believe this was rational and justified. It's so ingrained in the mundane of everyday life, it's not even conscious. 

But why do you need to prove you are human? So I can survive this world with some sort of dignity. 

But why do I need to prove to these people, the same people who created the idea that some are less human than others, the same people who have dehumanised you and elevated themselves as the focal point of all humanity and progress?

Why do I need their approval? So I can become human? 

If part of becoming this human is to dehumanise others, then I'd rather not become this 'human'. 

Part of the power they have is you wanting to be this 'human' of their making. You would be theirs forever. A prime example of salvation from their invented 'subhuman'. 

Funny, everything they define exists not in reality, but in the minds of everyone. We are just realising this.

Eyeless - Souless - Heartless - Dead - Machine

 I have no eyes. Therefore I have no soul. Therefore I have no heart. Therefore I must be dead. Or maybe inhuman. Or subhuman. Or a machine. People can't read me. Therefore I scare people. Boo!

 

COVID19: Cutting off my 'friends'

I've decided to cut off two friends. During the lockdown, I heard nothing from them. I waited for something, anything, but...nothing. This is the usual from them, I always seem to be the one who has to initiate. Can you call anyone a friend if they do the same in the times we're living in now?

A cute little mouse got stuck on my window ledge onto my garden, so I filmed it, sent it on Whatsapp to my friends group. One replied of course, the more out going one. The other, although I could see she had seen it, said nothing. So I thought maybe something bad happened, maybe a family member got the virus, maybe she lost her job or something. So I texted her a few days later to make sure, but she was fine and everything was doing ok. After making sure she was alright and nothing bad had happened:

Did you see my new pet?

Yeah cute

And that was it. Both were short, meaningless exchanges, no questions about how I was doing, nothing about how weird everything was. We had already, in the past year, become quite distant. The first friend I think was going through a breakup and was re-evaluating her life. So I gave her space. She went off travelling, every week it seemed, to some place in Europe or beyond. We never really had anything much in common except enjoying the occasional hangout. Even those seem forgettable. The second friend, I can't make any sense of.

So I'm cutting both of you out of my life. I'm not going to reply to anything any more. They probably won't even notice. That's the sad thing about it. They won't miss me.

Wishing you weren't here

I haven't written anything for 4 years. I've had plenty of times when I had something, but I was so consumed by it, the energy to write was sucked away. Actually the energy to do anything disappeared. That's what the D loop does to you. It wasn't just the internal loop, the external stresses of life and people sucked everything out of me.

I'm now certain this is depression and anxiety. No question.

You'd think it was the depression that was the thing but it's not. It's the anxiety attacks threatening me everyday that pull me back into the hole. And it's a sucking black hole that feeds off me. I've managed to pre-empt it sometimes, manage it, but there are things you can't control. People.

Don't bother, there's nothing for you here

I put on Ella Mai's Trip, trying to take my mind off the misery and chaos that is my life. As I listened, her voice faded away into nothing, all I could hear was the piano rift, repeating over and over again. A flat, dull, repeating, mindless without end.

Everywhere I've turned for help I've been ignored, turned away, even by those who said they would help. It seems the universe is telling me something: Don't bother. There's nothing for you here.

But I have to go on bothering, because it's not just me I'm doing it for.

The sad thing about it is, I have no one to say this to. Only an empty space that no one knows exists. A place I exist, but no one has bothered to know.

No Memory of a Life, Fantasy about a Death

I feel old without a memory of a life.  No trace of people, of relationships, no meaningful human connection. How did this happen I ask myself.

I've been having these fantasies recently about thing's I'd do without care of my own life. One of them is saving people from some terrorist attack. Being in London, the possibility isn't so far off. It actually sounds like quite an attractive prospect. Not for the glory or praise, just to be of some use to someone. At least something I could give. Does this sound morbid? I have nothing and no one to my name, at least I could give someone a chance to live the life I never did.

Another one isn't much of anything, but if you knew me it would be a bit of a shocker. Smoking. Yeah, I know I could just take it up, but it disgusts me too much. Maybe it's the idea of doing something unexpected that's attractive. A kind of rebellion against myself.

There it is.

I've had enough of myself.

Todays Funeral

Bit of a rant after attending my uncles funeral.

What happens when you don't fit in with your family because it would be hypocritical for you to go along with their way of doing things? Doing anything out of some made up code of fealty would mark you as disrespectful, not part of the 'proper' family. When in fact, I think it's the other way round.

I really don't care for upholding antiquated, often destructive filial rules and superstitions with my family. I've seen too much hypocrisy and backstabbing amongst this older generation. All these formalities are there to keep you in your place (and that is a very lowly place). I've seen how this unquestioning loyalty and deference to your elders has lead to a lot of unhappiness, betrayal, divorce, abandonment, family split ups, illegitimate children, adultery, money grabbing, gambling, begging...and the list goes on. All this pride, giving face, keeping up appearances leads to lying. Lying to people, to family and lying to yourself. The one thing that is so lacking in my family is honesty.

I won't be part of this. What you see, is what you get. I've always been a pragmatist. That's why I'd rather relate to people and family as they are. As human beings, not just another elder. When I was forced to do so as a child, I always felt dishonest. As I grew up I disregarded this (to my detriment) because I saw how it put me in place of absolute subservience, unworthy of opinion.

I fancy you, but we have absolutely nothing in common (and I don't care)

Something that keeps coming up in my misadventures with the opposite sex, is the very obvious fact that I have nothing, absolutely nothing in common with the men that are attracted to me. This doesn't matter in anyway to them at all. They continue to have some fantasy about my 'type' that doesn't exist.

This means that all I am is a sexual object, a trophy, a thing of flesh and bone but not a person - with a personality (as you might expect being human).

Apparently, it doesn't really matter because I'm supposed to just take on whatever his interests, his passions, his opinions are. I'm supposed to fit in to him. I'm supposed to be bland, quiet,'feminine', inoffensive, non argumentative, passive. Gray Middle class. My 'types' all want to be middle class and white of course.

And then, there are the guys that completely ignore me, dismiss me because they hold the exact same views on my 'type'. What attracts the first guy to me, completely repulses the second.

One sees his stereotype of me as a positive, the other negative. The thing is, all stereotyping is negative. It serves no one.

I saw this scene a few years ago. I was having lunch with a friend in a Korean restaurant in China town. A couple came in and sat opposite us. They were young (early 20s), probably students, super trendy and fashionably dressed. The guy was white, tall, blonde, wore glasses, I'm pretty sure he was British. He seemed a bit geeky. The girl was a pretty average Asian, definitely from overseas, so a native Asian. Exotic to the average westerner.

They were almost the perfect couple, in terms of looks.

Yet, as my friend and I continued chatting away (quite loudly), I noticed the couple didn't say more than a few words to each other the entire time they were there. Did they have an argument? Nope, they didn't look annoyed, angry, nothing. If anything, it looked like it was a first date or something.

Ok, so people tend to get shy on first meetings, but this couple didn't even try to start a conversation. Aren't you supposed to talk to each other? Not just sit there and eat in silence. Am I exaggerating for effect? Actually no, they literally sat there and ate in silence!

I found the whole thing bizarre. Why on earth would you want to meet up and have a meal with someone and not talk? At all?

Was there a language problem? I don't think so, they both spoke quite easily when ordering food.

They didn't look tired or weary. I know hanging out with friends we sometime get a bit burnt out after chatting away so much, we get quiet at the end of a long day spent together. Was this the case with this couple? I really don't think so, it seemed like they had just met up, it was congenial and polite, but a little nervous (as usual on first dates).

Was there some no verbal flirting going on? Nope, I observed them pretty closely. There wasn't a glimmer of a smile to be seen, not any emotion. They were eating on the same table, but as complete strangers. Had you walked past, you would have thought they were strangers and not a couple.

Imagine yourself in such a relationship. I couldn't. Why would I go out with someone who fancied me, but had nothing to say to me? What could he be interested in?

I don't know, may be I'm being harsh. Maybe these two people were too alike, both too quiet, too shy, too bland.

This is a scene you usually find with long term couples. We've said everything. I've gotten so used to you that I don't see you any more. We just exist together and we've become convenient to each other.

This wasn't the case though. All I can conclude is the 'relationship' was simply based on superficial looks and pretty much nothing else.  No spark, no connection, no recognition.

Although there was a little nervousness, there wasn't any of the pressure of a first date at all. The sad thing was, they seemed to be content with this. No effort to break the silence, no comments on the food, nothing...?

I never want to be like this.

Making a new start somewhere far away

I think this is the only way to find my own space/place/life. I can't see any other way to get away from family duty/servitude. I've been existing, trying to live but always failing. Failing in just about every aspect of life. When I say life, I mean all the things that I see everyone else doing. All the simple little things that people seem to do automatically, as if no effort was needed. They just fall into it like nature.

I must be the most unnatural person I know. Stunted not just in youth but at every opportunity of growth and independence. I can pin point events, periods of my 'life' when I had potential. Everything I seem to try (with the exception of maybe 1 or 2 events), I utterly fail to make something of it.

So I'm seriously thinking of moving to Canada or America somewhere. Somewhere where there's space to expand, somewhere where I'd actually be considered 'special' or at least interesting. I am interesting. It's just that London is full of people with too much going to distract them, too impatient, too judgemental, too shallow to make any effort to know who I really am.

And I'm dying here. Suffocating, whatever I have to offer is wasted. I'm wasting.