Do you faint at the sight of blood?

It always makes me laugh in films when the women faint or look as if they're about to at the sight of blood. Really, what ever happened to the biological fact that we shed, touch blood and generally get a bit icky with blood every month or so? I think it more likely it's the men who get queasy...remember the beginning of Quincy M.E? Ok that was a dead body. Love that series though.

Brutal Beautiful People

I was given this film by a friend to watch, she said it was messed up and she was right. What she didn't tell me was how incredibly beautiful these messed up people were. OMG! The men in this film are something else...I might be developing an attraction to tattoos. Anyway, if you wanna know what I'm talking about, chk it out yourself: Once Were Warriors.

Twin Seasons

I can't remember exactly what I was doing at the time, but for a moment I couldn't remember weather it was Spring or Autumn. They're the transitional seasons and you know it is the period before something extreme begins.

It was a grey cloudy day, no sun atall. Everything is muted and uniform. 15 degrees, a slight coolness but not enough to feel it, that inbetween temperature. The Autumn twin is different to his Spring twin. Autumn is a warning, it brings a foreboding feeling of what is to come. Preperations for the chill begins. But Spring also calls for preperations, but of a different kind. It has an energy and excitement. The thought of your hopes and dreams. An opening somewhere.

Mid-life Tremors

I was feeling really down this morning. To the point of a tear or two, I felt it coming on as I was making my way to the station on the bus. I sat there listening to my usual on-the-move playlist when I got a sudden turn of the blues. I've never had this before, I'm usually very calm and collected and it's one of my worst fears to cry in front of people let alone strangers.

What going's on? I think it has to do with Harry. It's made me feel like I'm missing something in my life. I remember now, towards the station I had the mad thought that I wanted to just give it all up, do something extreme. I don't know what, get drunk, take drugs, leave and get out of the country. I remember thinking I was feeling two extremes of emotion: totally numb and highly emotional. I wanted to shot something, kill or destroy something. I was angry, miserable, hurt.

The sun was blazing, which made it worst because I had to work and all I wanted to do was leave.

Look good Feel good

After my little comment on the Red shoes I've been thinking about another bit of clothing that I absolutely love: an old print silk wrap mini skirt. Which doesn't fit, and probably came from an old ladies shop somewhere. But I have to say, I made it fit by folding it over enough and it is the most gorgeously sensuous, slinky little number in my wardrobe. I love it! It makes me feel so good and makes me look even better. It wraps around every curve, has a little split so when the wind blows it flutters and flirts with your eye, and the print is so unfashionable, it's beyond fashionable!

Yes, I love old clothes and I love vintage!

The Red Shoes

They're flat, a deep ox blood burgandy colour, and vintage! But whenever I wear them I get such interesting attention from mainly men (and some women). Who would have thought an old pair of shoes/ankle boots could do such strange magic. That said, I've kind of taken to walking back home from Kings Cross through St Pancras station, and there are alot of suits and professional looking types about, maybe I'm a bit unusual looking around there, hence the looks. But, I have noticed an increase in interest from younger guys...they're such simple shallow creatures. Pathetic.

Men

I was down the library browsing the DVD section with two mates...when just in passing Becks mentioned the guy we met a few months ago who gave me a DVD to watch. Well, Rei suddenly had a revelation and asked what his name was...could it be the same guy who a couple of years ago dated her? OMFG! It was! He did exactly the same thing with her: invited her to look at some of his comic artwork on myspace scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Same fucking moves.

This was at least four years ago. But you know, it actually doesn't surprise me. I kinda sussed out everything about him was disingenuous. Under all that insecurity and romantic naivety I knew it all a bit OTT to be genuine. There's me being very generous and giving the benefit of the doubt. Well, apparently this guy was a bit of a player back then, he had a load of girls on the go. And he broke down in front of Rei because of some girl who "broke his heart". Ok, I'm all for men being sensitive and showing emotion, but I tell you, I bulked at the thought of that.

I'm a bit pissed off actually. I'm not sure why. The fact that everything he did and say was said and done before, there was nothing inspired or spontaneous. Everything was rehearsed before on someone else. Ok, maybe I'm being a bit hard on this guy. I know guys have their ways, little things they say and do to get a girl interested. Fair enough. Somehow this feels like it went beyond that, like he was living some fantasy where he would do something and get the response that he wanted. It was all about him.

That's it. Fucking men, I've just about had it with these fucking guys. Why the fuck do I have to be the one who attracts the fucking weirdos.

Strange late night calls

I had two really late night calls from god-knows-who. One around 2:30am another 1:30am. These are strange times for me, I don't know anyone who would call me at this time. I was awake though, answered but didn't say anything and hung up straight away. But someone actually answered the second call, it was a guy (London accent, but I didn't recognise the voice), I didn't reply. I tried to get a number afterwards but it said it was an international number.

I can only put it down to two things: crossed lines OR something else: That guy I met told me someone was ringing him in the middle of the night and asked if it was me. It wasn't of course. He told me about some girl who he used to date who was kind of stalking him. He seemed to like the attention and I pointed this out and implied that he was probably encouraging it. He smiled, I think I was right. Anyway, I can't be sure, but I hope he's not taken to this calling me up in the middle of the night...we haven't contacted eachother since we last met, and I figure he figures hes scared me away with his coming on too strong.

Craig'ems!

I'm working with a great tech called Craig. He's so friendly, patient, takes pleasure & pride in his work. I want to get him a cake or something for his efforts. He has literally saved my backside. I have a project with the V&A Museum and the deadline is the 10th Nov. I could not have done it without Craig.

Stand Still

Now that I'm back at uni, everything takes a back seat. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets in the way now. I have these binges of doing absolutely nothing or working like a dog. I know it's not a good thing, life should be balanced right? Not with me. Single minded, that's me. Maybe this summer fling was me stepping out a bit. The sun does strange things to people. That and turning the big three o.

I think I want to get away next summer/autumn. I mean out of the country. I feel like I need to put myself in a position where things might happen. Chance, fate, something unplanned, unexpected, weather the outcome is good or bad. I need a change of scene.