Oh, Brothers...

I had this red strawberry cider the other night (the night of 'ambiguous'). I was just going for some air waiting for the others to come out, when I got a few serious stares from some guys passing me in the pub. Alright, nothing wrong there, very nice to get some attention. After a couple of goodbyes from a few friends, three of us went back in, after another round, an arm wrestle and a bit of banter, Rei came out with something along the lines of 'look at you, with your red lips, you look like a geisha...'. I thought it was just the alcohol running up my blood circulation. When I got back home I saw what everyone saw. Bloody hell, I looked like I'd just sucked the blood out of someone, like a vampire. They were bright, bright red! It wasn't my lips but the nasty food dye in the drink. I went around with this for a couple of days before it started to fade. Oh, Brothers! Talk about Tru Blood.

Playlist of an era

Love the incidentals...

I love Ambiguity

I was a bit drunk last night. It was around 2am, my ears were ringing (and still are) from standing too close to the amps at a friends gig, and I could feel the alcohol taking its toll. One thing it doesn't touch though is my head, it's always clear. I wasn't really tired, so I just lay there in that quiet stillness at night, that time when thoughts come to you...

I've always liked the word 'ambiguity', it's meaning. Like a faint familiar smell, half remembered from childhood, yet you can't really put yout finger on what it is. Maybe recently watching Mad Men had something to do with it (love that series) and Stephen Poliakoffs Capturing Mary. That word always comes to me when I watch these programs. Yet, I was thinking, can something be truly ambiguous?

Main Entry:	ambiguity
Part of Speech:	noun
Definition:	uncertainty of meaning
Synonyms:	anagram, double meaning, double-entendre, doubt, doubtfulness, dubiety, dubiousness, enigma, equivocacy, equivocality, equivocation, incertitude, inconclusiveness, indefiniteness, indeterminateness, obscurity, polysemousness, polysemy, puzzle, tergiversation, uncertainty, unclearness, vagueness
Antonyms:	certainty, clarity, clearness, definiteness, explicitness, lucidity

Hmm, I always thought the word meant something undefined, or indefinable, something almost neutral, unbiased. Isn't something that you thought was indefinable, just that because you don't know how to see it, to decipher it, to define it within what you know of the world.

Certainly Mad Men has an agenda, however subtle or nuanced. Yet it's done with such care and attention things are left for you to decide. Maybe that what it is, it's not preaching or coming from certain dogma, it's not patronising or treating you like some mindless sheep. Non-judgemental? Obviously we live in 2010, not 1962, politics, society etc. was different back then and the writers of Mad Men have certainly pointed those out. But, it's up to me to make up my mind and it asks questions about what we think of is 'right' or 'wrong' today...very clever stuff.

Capturing Mary on the other hand is an open ended book. I was talking about this with a friend while we were in her car, 'what does it mean?', 'why did she give that man so much power over her?', 'what was Poliakoff trying to say?'...so the conversation went on, 'we can talk till the cows come home, we won't be any the wiser' I said, to cut to the point. It stopped there. I love ambiguity. Nothing is set in stone.

Clarity in not knowing: what, where, when, how, why

Looking back at the work I've done, I've now realised that the more I know, the crapper my work gets. I really didn't know wtf I was doing back then, I was feeling my way through stuff, if it felt right, it was. There wasn't all this bullshit talking and self conscious over analysis. People really do talk alot of meaningless shit these days, they do it for the sake of it and because 'it's good to talk'. Please, give me a break. Talking is seriously overrated (have I just contradicted myself from my last post?). I look back and I see stuff I've done and I ask myself...'was that me? I did that? where is that person?'

Specifically speaking, women in education, there are simply too many of them, all of my tutors bar one pompous arsehole, about 90% of students at uni are female. This constant over emphasis on yapping on about the what, where, when, how & why is killing intuition and creativity. Is it a female thing? Honestly, I think it is together with this culture of talkshows, self-help and pseudo-psychology, throw in remenants of feminism, and there you have it.

Intimidation Confirmed

Remember the graduation dinner a couple of months ago?

I was supposed to go out to a thing with some mates last Sat, but decided I couldn't be bothered to suffer the wrath of someone unnamed. Little did I know who else went along to the thing, when around 8 at night I got a txt from said mates telling me they were in the pub up the road inviting me to join them. Now, a bit apprehensive (that particular pub usually looks a bit rough at best), decided to go out into the pouring rain.

Blah, blah, blah. Said mates had brought her boyfriend (the one that fancies me), Rob (unattached twin), and a madman who I briefly glimpsed making faces through a PizzaHut restaurant with his girlfriend (Keiran). Anyways, things seemed to go the same way as before, everyone talked to babyface mate, all ease, but as usual things weren't so easy when it came to me (even the madman met his match). Oh woe is me. The boyfriend probably had a few too many and started with some shoulder leaning action, slightly unnerving but I just ignored it. Maybe these guys needed a few more drinks before they could muster the courage to speak to me. Seriously, I went down there with a big old t-shirt, leggings and trainers, I looked like I'd just woken up. This is Saturday night, everyone was dressed to pull. Come on guys, I am that scary? wtf.

Maybe we should all wear ridiculous masks like Shyguy. Doesn't he look like some homicidal x'mas elf/gnome about to pull a knife.

You want mash potatoes? You make it!

What do you do when even your own mother says..."you were asking for it" ?

Turn the other cheek, lay down like a dog and take it...this is how guilt for the last 25 years of ignoring your own children is thrown back at me...as guilt. What an inconvenience to her. It's my fault as a woman of course. So the cycle begins again.

Can you imagine a situation where you wanted mash potatoes, but oh no, you had to mash them yourself? Not peel or cook them, just mash them with a masher. Could you? But then, you had to share them with the people who took the time and effort to cook the beef stew and carrots and peas that you requested the night before. Whatever. "Make sure you get the lumps, do it properly, there's lumps in it." Blah , blah, I'll just sit in front of the computer and stare at my Facebook while I do this. "You're not doing it properly, did you put the salt in?" Urgh! I'm not doing it now! "Why don't you do it properly son?" URgh! Blood pressure, while I sit in front of Facebook, rising, sweating, stress, I can't take the stress, why are they bitching all the time!!!...

Then the violence begins here. All over a fucking bowl of mash potatoes. All because he couldn't take the 'stress' over being 'criticized' about a fucking bowl of mash potatoes.

Can you believe it?

Oh btw, seriously there is nothing going anywhere in his life (or Facebook) where it would justify such disgusting behaviour.