No Memory of a Life, Fantasy about a Death

I feel old without a memory of a life.  No trace of people, of relationships, no meaningful human connection. How did this happen I ask myself.

I've been having these fantasies recently about thing's I'd do without care of my own life. One of them is saving people from some terrorist attack. Being in London, the possibility isn't so far off. It actually sounds like quite an attractive prospect. Not for the glory or praise, just to be of some use to someone. At least something I could give. Does this sound morbid? I have nothing and no one to my name, at least I could give someone a chance to live the life I never did.

Another one isn't much of anything, but if you knew me it would be a bit of a shocker. Smoking. Yeah, I know I could just take it up, but it disgusts me too much. Maybe it's the idea of doing something unexpected that's attractive. A kind of rebellion against myself.

There it is.

I've had enough of myself.