You're A Freak

I've always felt different. I've never felt I've ever fit in anywhere, even with my own family.

This was brought home to me today. Two older female cousins came to visit, I always try to avoid them, as I feel totally disconnected, having nothing in common. They, for some reason, had some clothes samples they wanted to give away. I was honest with them and told them it wasn't really my thing, they seemed a bit slighted.

Later on, my male cousin with his fiancee and step kids came along. So, they offered her the clothes which were gratefully accepted. A full on fashion show ensued and they even offered her some very feminine shoes which they did not show me. Obviously I wasn't the right type of girl for those, but I couldn't help but feel completely inadequate and self conscious that I wasn't part of this, that I couldn't be like them. What was wrong with me? I sat apart from all this, feeling not exactly left out, but made to feel I was not enough of a woman, that I was some sort of freak, an accepted freak in the corner looking out.

I'm actually happy with the way I dress, I like what I like. Nobody tells me otherwise. I know myself very well, I have strong opinions. It almost felt like I was being put in my place in the world, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

My cousins fiancee is very attractive, perfect skin, perfect slim body, perfect straight hair, well turned out, has two sweet kids. Put her in a room and all the guys would look in her direction. I know I'm physically inferior. I've already accepted that. I suppose because the difference was so blatantly on display, I wanted to just die there.

Over the past year or two, I've never felt so low, it's been really bad. Sometimes I can't stop having these thoughts until they overwhelm me and I start to well up. It been so consistent that even writing about it here has stopped. I try to snap out of it with my War blog, and that usually works...someone always has it worst than you.